Memorable Quotes Of S01E01

Future Ted:Kids, I'm gonna tell you an incredible story - the story of how I met your mother.
Son:Are we being punished for something?
Future Ted:No.
Daughter:Yeah, is this going to take a while?
Future Ted:Yes.

Lily:Wow, you're cooking?
Marshall:Yes, I am.
Lily:Awww. Are you sure that's a good idea after last time? You looked really creepy without eyebrows

Marshall:Oh, hey, look what I got. (brings out bottle of champagne and hands it to Lily)
Lily:Aww, honey. Champagne. (hands bottle back to Marshall)
Marshall:Yeah. (hands bottle back to Lily)
Lily:No, you are too old to be scared to open a bottle of champagne.

Robin:I'm going to Orlando for a week on Friday. Some guy is attempting to make the world's biggest pancake. Guess who's covering it.
Ted:That's gonna take a week?
Robin:Yeah, he's gonna eat it too. It's another record.

Barney:Why are we still sitting here? Let's go, we can still make last call. What do you say, Lil? Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum? 'Cause you're a pirate?

Robin:Hold on, wait a minute. Promised you these.
Ted:Olives, thanks. I love you. What is wrong with me?!

Ted:So, you're a reporter?
Robin:Well, kind of a reporter. I do those dumb little fluff pieces at the end of the news, like... Monkey can play a ukulele. I'm hoping for some bigger stories.
Ted:Bigger... Like, a gorilla with an upright bass? Sorry, you're very pretty.

Ted:She didn't even give me the signal!
Barney:What, is she gonna... is she gonna bat her eyes at you in morse code? (bats eyes) "Ted... kiss me." No! You just kiss her!
Ted:Not if you don't get the signal!

(Barney spontaneously kisses Marshall)

Barney:Did Marshall give me the signal?
Marshall:No! (to Lily) I didn't, I swear!

Barney:So, Ranjit, you must have done it with a Lebanese girl...
Lily:Ok, that's my Barney limit.

Barney:...Just once, when I say "suit up", I'd wish you'd put on a suit!
Ted:I did, that one time.
Barney:It was a blazer!

Marshall:(giving a toast) To my fiance!
Lily:To the future!
Ranjit:To one hell of a night!

Future Ted:(voice over about seeing Robin for the first time) It was like something from an old movie. Where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor and turns to his buddy, and says, "See that girl? I'm gonna marry her someday."
Ted:Hey, Barney. See that girl?
Barney:Oh, yeah, you just know she likes it dirty.

Ted:I'm so happy for Marshall, I really am. I just can't imagine settling down right now.
Yasmin:So, do you think you'll ever get married?
Ted:Well, maybe eventually... some fall day, possibly in Central Park... simple ceremony, we'll write our own vows... band, no DJ, people will dance, I'm not gonna worry about it!

Marshall:(rehearsing with Ted) Will you marry me?
Ted:Yes, perfect! And then you're engaged, you pop the champagne, you do your toast, you have sex on the kitchen floor! Don't have sex on our kitchen floor.

Barney:(after Robin throws a drink in Ted's face) De -wait for it- Nied! Denied!

Barney:There's no such thing as the signal! But yeah, that was the signal.

Future Ted:That, kids, is the true story of how I met your Aunt Robin.
Son:Aunt Robin?!
Daughter:I thought this was how you met mom?
Future Ted:Will you relax? I'm getting to it. Like I said, it's a long story.

Ted:You know what? I'm done being single, I'm not good at it. Look, obviously you can't tell a woman you just met that you love her, but it sucks that you can't. I'll tell you something though, if a woman, not you, just some hypothetical woman, were to bear with me through all this, I think I'd make a damn good husband, because that's the stuff I'd be good at. Stuff like making her laugh and being a good father and walking her five hypothetical dogs. Being a good kisser...
Robin:Everyone thinks they're a good kisser.
Ted:Oh, I've got references.

Ranjit:Actually, I'm from Bangladesh.
Barney:The women hot there?
Ranjit:Here's a picture of my wife.
Barney:(whispering) A simple no would've sufficed.

Robin:I love a Scotch that's old enough to order its own Scotch.

Robin:I think I like your olive theory.
Ted:I think I like your new French horn.
Robin:I think I like your nose.
Ted:I think I'm in love with you.

Ted:I gotta do what that guy couldn't, I gotta take the leap!...Okay, not a perfect metaphor, 'cause for me it's fall in love and get married, and for him it's...death.
Barney:Actually, that is a perfect metaphor...(to Marshall and Lily who just got engaged) By the way, did I congratulate you two?

Barney:Hi, have you met Ted?
Barney's classic wingman line

Marshall:I'm full of surprises tonight.
Lily:So there's more surprises?! Like what?
Marshall:(screaming) BOOGADABOO!!! And that's all of 'em!!

Barney:(answering the phone) Hey, so you know how I've always had a thing for half-Asians? Well, now I have a new favorite: Lebanese girls. Lebanese girls are the new half-Asians.

Ted:I've been there for all the big moments of you and Lily: the night you met, your first date, other first things...
Marshall:Huh-uh-uh, yeah, sorry, we thought you were asleep.
Ted:It's physics Marshall, if the bottom bunk moves the top bunk moves too.

Barney:You suited up! This is totally going in my blog!

Marshall:I'm sorry, Lily. I am so sorry. (To the Cab Driver) Take us to the hospital.
Cab Driver:Woah woah woah. Did you hit her?
Lily:(laughs with Marshall) Hit me? Please, I'd kick his skinny ass. 
Marshall:It's true, she would.
Lily:I mean, I love him. We just got engaged, but this guy can barely spank me in bed for fun. It's just these little love-pats. He's all like "Oh honey did that hurt?" and I'm all like "C'mon let me have it ya pansy!" Wow, complete stranger.
Cab Driver:No, no, no, no! It's OK! Go on. So, these spankings, you in pajamas or au naturale?

Barney:(on the phone) Hey, loser. How is not playing laser tag? Because playing laser tag is awesome! (to a kid) Oh, I killed you, Conner! Don't make me get your mom!
Ted:Hey, listen, I need your help on something.
Barney:Okay, meet me at the bar in 15 minutes. And suit up!

Ted:I could end up marrying this woman; I want our first kiss to be special.
Lily:Aw, that's sweet. So you chickened out like a little bitch?

Future Ted:Son, a piece of advice: when you go on a first date, you really don't want to say "smurf penis." Girls don't ordinarily like that.

Ted:That was not the signal!
Future Ted:I asked her about it years later, and, yes, that was the signal.

Robin:My friend just got dumped, so tonight all men are "the enemy."
Ted:If it would make your friend feel better, you can throw a drink in my face.
Robin:She would love that!

Ted:Marshall, remember this night. When you're the best man at our wedding and you give a speech, you're gonna tell this story.
Barney:Why does he get to be the best man? I'm your best friend!